If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
