I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
