I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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