I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
