I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
