i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
