sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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