Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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