i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
