There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
