He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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