is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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