Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
