I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
