i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
