You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You ate ashes out of my bong
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
