Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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