So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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