were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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