the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
