I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dick very happy bro
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
