I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
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I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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