I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
