the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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