I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
