I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
