I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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