do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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