I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
