Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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