i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
