The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
