just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
