I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
