Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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