My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
