I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
