I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
