would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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