he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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