lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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