You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
