Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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