I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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