worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
