I smell stomach acid.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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