Your face is a jimmy john
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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