quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
