he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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