Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There's always time for handjobs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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