Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
