hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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