The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
