Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
