I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
