but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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