Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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