I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
