i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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